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"Getting Over It"

Hear From Him: James Sergey
Freeze's Romantic muses on love and dating at Harvard and beyond…

November 2008

It seems I've done everything for Christina—being there for her when she cries, helping when I'm not even asked for, organizing fun activities like picnics for us to do together. But I have perpetually occupied the friend-zone. And it's been over a year. So, I have just got to move on—and I am determined to do just that.

But it is a challenge every day to ignore that disarming smile, the flash of white that creates those dimples and the adorable creases around her blue eyes. It is hard to ignore her sense of fashion and style. It is even harder to resist her ability to win anyone over, her inherent charm and persistence in connecting with everyone around her.

Just the other day, she called me crying about a personal crisis. Apparently her ex had moved on and she had not expected that so soon. Immediately, I rushed over to her room, bringing cookies and my company to comfort her. But even with feeling her sadness, and though I tried to ignore it, just her company lifted my spirits. And just like every other time, she announced that the picnic we had planned was not going to happen because of a scheduling conflict, and that's when the tightness in my throat took over, and conversation momentarily halted. My ability to recover quickly from the situation had come, unfortunately, with much practice. I said that it was no matter, that we could reschedule—knowing it would probably never happen. She's into hooking up with frat boys and skater boys at bars and clubs—people she barely knows.

Maybe it was because I had been all talk? Maybe I just needed to take charge and make it happen? But I knew she wouldn't have liked that. It's being in this sort of stalemate that is so confusing in this world, in which random hookups seem to be the modern man's only route to a potential romance. With the advent of the club and bar scene and increasingly liberal ideas towards sex and sexuality, has old-fashioned dating really become extinct? It seems everywhere I turn—television, novels, memoirs, and personal experience—everything seems to point to the notion that romance most often comes from a random drunken hookup, or doesn't come at all.

And sure, some might argue, there's a benefit for me as a male in that setup, satisfaction-driven creatures that we are. But what if, for you, personal connection, a familiarity with the other person, is a necessary element? Logic might say that then you're screwed in this environment. But love and relationships are not driven by logic, and that beckons me to refuse to believe exclusively in this paradigm. The close friend may not be the one to grow into the position of your significant other, though you may want them to.

Another situation that is maybe even more frustrating is when there is a clear connection, and you both want to take that next step, but are afraid to do so. I told this to one of my close friends, Johnny, when I heard him talk about a girl named Daniella and his face lit up like I had never seen. His expression was dreamy, with the love-soaked eyes of a cartoon character and a silly grin slathered across half of his face. What he described seemed to be a different sort of friendship confusion. When they were abroad together, Daniella had always been affectionate with Johnny, playfully embracing him and pushing her body into his and often describing him flirtatiously as the most beautiful person who came "fun-sized," since he's only just under five feet tall. They never took things beyond this flirtation, but it was clear through the many encounters that there was a romantic tendency on both their ends. Knowing that Johnny hadn't been in a relationship in over a year, my response to Johnny was, "You're either really desperate, or you're desperately in love with her." My bets were on the latter.

I'd like to think that Johnny and Daniella may begin that spark of a relationship in the near future, putting aside their fears of "possibly ruining the friendship." F— that. If they were true friends they'd be able to handle it like adults. Both might be embarrassed for a while, but the true friend would recognize that it was a courageous thing to do, to speak from the heart.

Maybe I'm too much of an ideal romantic, but when—not if, but when—Johnny and Daniella do begin dating, it will be that slow development that grows into more. It won't be based on lust or pure sex—though both of them are gorgeous. It will be a relationship built on close companionship, something that I've been missing in my life recently.

The hopeless romantic that I still am believes that old-fashioned dating, the kind without the initial random hookup, is possible, however rare it may be these days. You just need to believe it with all your heart, be confident, and take risks. It doesn't matter if it's not the culture of the world today. I know that if I do what's right for me, I'll be able to find someone who shares my own romantic tendencies, which will lead to a stronger relationship in which we both feel more invested. I am over it—Christina and the expectation of randomly hooking up. What I look for now is that serious romance. What I'm searching for is the thrilling excitement, the wonderful buildup to that relationship that we both want.

So, the search is on, and I'll be exploring all the fields available to me. I'm not expecting it to be easy. In fact, I'm sure there's going to be bumps [and grinds] along the way, but I sure as hell will not forgo my romantic tendencies.

Have something to say to James? Email him at james@freezecollegemag.com.