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"The Talker"

Hear From Him: James Sergey
Freeze's Romantic muses on love and dating at Harvard and beyond…

February 2009

"Don't you hate that?"

"What?"

"Uncomfortable silences."

"Yeah."

"You know, that's when you know you've found somebody special. When you can sit there and just shut the %$&# up!"

"You know, I don't think we're quite there yet, but we only just met."

-Pulp Fiction

Uncomfortable silences can ruin a date... but so can a trap that just won't shut it. Sometimes it is just better to skip the meaningless getting to know you chit-chat and get straight to talking—I mean really talking. But what do you do when you're no match for The Talker, someone who just won't let you ever get to that real conversation because they are too busy with their own chit-chat?

The last blind date I went on was with The Talker. The Matchmaker thought we'd be great for each other because we both liked food and to go clubbing. The match seemed good at first, from what I was told, but our initial lunch date proved otherwise.

It was noon. The dining hall was packed, so we picked a less populated table to escape the ruckus. Soon we were talking over fried chicken and pasta—the usual dining hall fare. It began innocently enough, with the expected questions about house affiliation, concentration, and hometown. But then the interrogation began. A deluge of questions ranging from career goals, to friends in common, to how freshman year went. The list goes on. And they weren't questions that would start a conversation—it was just a rapid fire of question after question that I barely had time to finish eating my meal while this smiling girl was shoveling bites in-between the questions and being-extra bubbly in acknowledging my answers.

It was almost as if she was a bobble-head that just would not shut up. Of course, we were on for a second date anyway because that Matchmaker of ours did not think that the first date actually does anyone justice. So eventually I had to just ignore what seemed like a minor flaw. In the few questions I could squeeze in before both of us had to head off to another class, I learned that this smiling girl with dark shoulder length hair, and deep black-mirror eyes was on the pre-med track in some unrelated concentration.

A couple days later, we met up for the party. She was in some nondescript little black dress and I was in a pressed shirt with dark pants and a double-breasted coat. I felt over-dressed compared to my date, but there wasn't time to think about that—we had to get to the party. Soon the questions started up again, asking about "dancing style" among other things. That question was a little disconcerting, but I answered not noticing it with "I’m a chill dancer. You know, I try not to get too crazy until I can really feel the song."

We finally made it to the party and immediately she wanted to dance. I hadn't even gotten my bearings and already I was to miss looking for friends. Dancing didn't fare much better, The Talker decided to sing. Not that that was a problem at first, because I usually sing along to the songs too. But, she was singing the wrong words off key.

Now maybe I am too critical. Maybe I should look beyond the super perkiness and actually see the sweet girl she wanted to be. But somehow I couldn't. At one of the times in my life when I just wanted a real companion, I was just finding all the faults in the opportunities that came my way. Why is it that even when we know we want something so bad that we would give anything to get it, we can still be dissatisfied?

But just as these thoughts were coming across my mind, the claw came. I don't remember what song was playing, but before I knew what hit me, the claw stretched out and grabbed me by the shirt and pulled me half–way across the room into a bump and grind. Half embarrassed, half surprised that this bobble-head perky girl who didn't even drink was being so wild. To me that incongruous move was just over the top.

A few minutes later, I told her I needed a break and we ended up on a couch. She was latched onto my arm just like a symbiotic creature. Next thing I knew the questions began again, indicating Facebook stalking had occurred. She knew where I had been all summer, what my favorite book was, what my favorite movies were, and some of my best moments. It was surprising to see how much she had gathered from my profile, which either showed how interested she was or how amusing her antics were. Either way, it was not helping her case.

The questions and crazy dancing were just about boring me, and I was about to start searching for an out, but not before I asked myself some questions—not that I need many more. But it seemed the right thing to do before I really gave up on the date.

It's not that big of a surprise, actually, that I've found all these faults with this quirky girl. That's what I always do. But is it too much to keep searching for something perfect? Do we really have to settle?

I was reading a psychology research paper the other day that claimed that people eventually will settle for someone of the level of attractiveness they deserve. The depressing idea of leagues is just something I can't stand and won't settle for. Isn't it worth the struggle to find someone that's so right for you that you know you can stop wondering "what if?"

So, I knew it was over right then, before any relationship had even begun. I navigated the crowd from the couch, searching for my out. My roommates appeared, and I excused myself to greet them. Not that I ditched The Talker, but since my attention had waned, I became more engaged with my roommates and blockmates. I think she got the hint because she had mentioned, "You don't need to spend the whole night with me. Feel free to go mingle with your friends." I said the same to her, but she was still hanging on.

It wasn't until I mentioned I needed to greet a friend again and that it was kind of late that I think she got the message. I didn't want to be a jerk, but I think the slight social cues did the trick.

I had seen someone I thought was attractive while on this "date" earlier. It would not be classy to approach that girl then—but what if this was the only chance? I did all I could from committing a faux pas. But then I realized I needed to set some rules for myself so this type of thing didn't happen again.

Guys: it's important to note that any girl that actually likes you is likely to be flustered, just like you might be flustered around her. Therefore, the intensity of babbling might be a good gauge of how much the girl actually likes you. In this case, since I was quick to judge, the lingering undertones of my discomfort were probably salient, making her all the more nervous and loquacious.

Also, note if you're the one becoming the Talker too, as it isn't just limited to girls. During the last date I went on, I was surprisingly nervous and was really hoping with a connection and a second date. So instead of being composed like I would have liked, I was babbling about all the small talk that I hate. Ultimately, babbling and small talk may just be a reality of a first date that we all just have to learn to deal with. But there are some things you just can't let slip by.

If being The Talker is really not an option for you, there's nothing wrong with planning ahead. Read up on some news, celebrity gossip, movies, books—you name it. These all provide great topics of conversation. But steer clear of the killer three: politics, past relationships, and death. And other than that, just be tactful. Come up with something insightful that won’t take a half hour to explain. Think of these as jumping off points.

On the other hand if you find yourself babbling due to a lack of ability to respond to other statements and converse, play the Alphabet Game. Just remember to start your next sentence with the next letter of the alphabet that your last sentence started with. But make sure it logically follows what your date says. At first this might be challenging, but it will make sure your statements have some variety and aren't just one word answers. It will make you think and be more interesting.

Sometimes, as in my last date, you just know how you feel. Next time I should let the date know earlier on if it isn't going to work out because contrary to what our Matchmaker said, you can just tell. The trick is to meet for drinks first before and evaluate then. That's when you both know you're putting on your best and you can tell if the other is genuinely your type. If there's no immediate connection, move on—don't make plans for dinner, clubbing or otherwise before. That is only a plan for a disaster. And even if there is a Talker, let them talk, and try to get your voice out there too. In risking that, you may just find a lot of similarities and someone that really likes you.